Chapter 3: Empathy In Action
The third chapter in each of the five parts of this book is designed to be both accessible and practical. My hope is that the tips and principles within these pages will help you in various spheres of communication. Whether you are on a stage, in a boardroom, on the field, or at a coffee shop, these ideas can enhance your conversations with others.
A Brief Note About Jesus’ Empathy
It is important to acknowledge that God can extend immediate empathy in ways we could never achieve. In the case of the Samaritan woman at the well, His conversation with her began with an understanding of every component of her life, and He had this understanding because He is God. He is all-knowing and all-understanding, attributes unique to Him as our ultimate Sovereign and Creator.
However, the fact that God is sovereign does not mean that we cannot take cues from His conversations and exchanges with humanity in the hope of sharpening our communication skills. For the purpose of this chapter, we will focus less on what Jesus said to the Samaritan woman and more on how He said it and how He related to her. My goal in this chapter is to communicate five essential components to keep in mind to ensure that empathy is developed at the onset of every conversation.
Component 1: Reject Stereotypes
Remember, this conversation with the Samaritan woman would not have happened if the Jewish disciples were in charge of the itinerary. The Jews hated the Samaritans, and much of this hatred was driven by prejudice and stereotypes handed down through generations. If Jesus had subscribed to these stereotypes, this incredible conversation would never have occurred.
If you are going to communicate effectively with those in your world, you must first reject stereotypes that you have toward other people. At this point, you may be saying to yourself, “I don't have stereotypes or prejudice within me. I am not a racist, and I live with an open mind.”
Respectfully, I implore you to see that all of us, no matter our background, live with certain stereotypes and prejudices about the people around us. These stereotypes may not be racially or ethnically driven, but we often assume we understand the experiences of others because we believe they must be similar to our own. However, if we are truly going to empathize with others, we must first recognize that we do not fully know or understand their situation. We are not God; we do not know their full story.
Component 2: Show Vulnerability
Jesus began His conversation with the Samaritan woman by expressing a need: He was thirsty. This vulnerability is not to be confused with depravity; it is not a sin to be thirsty. However, by asking for a drink, He opened the door for genuine, authentic connection.
What could this look like for us? When we are talking to someone that we genuinely want to connect with, it is important to do so in a way marked by vulnerability. This does not mean sharing every detail of our lives. However, it does mean communicating with honesty about where we are, acknowledging that we do not have it all together. Hurting people in need of change do not want to connect with those who project an image of perfection. In your conversations, whether through public speaking or one-on-one meetings, seek to show vulnerability and acknowledge your shortcomings. When you do, you open the door to better understanding the person in front of you.
Component 3: Ask Questions
You cannot get to know people if you do not ask questions. These questions should go beyond surface-level inquiries like, “How are you?” or “What’s going on?” Instead, ask thoughtful questions that delve into the heart of a person’s situation. Here are a few examples:
If there is one thing you wish someone understood about you, what would it be?
If you had one hour to do anything you wanted, how would you spend it?
If you could make one lasting impact on the world, what would it be?
These questions, when thoughtfully crafted and delivered with care, can help you empathize and better understand the person in front of you. Unlike us, Jesus is all-knowing and does not need to ask questions to understand someone. However, since we are consciously rejecting assumptions, asking questions is essential to understanding those God places in our path. Remember, asking questions should always be paired with follow-up inquiries, and you must actively listen to the answers.
Component 4: Listen Carefully
Remember, we are not asking questions to simply gather data for our own purposes. We are seeking to understand the people right in front of us. Jesus exemplified this in His communication. He did not just talk to people—He responded to their situations with appropriate emotion, whether through expressions of joy, tears, or righteous anger.
Ask yourself: When you are talking to people, are you truly placing yourself in their experience? Are you imagining yourself in their shoes? By doing this, you mirror what Jesus did when He came to earth. Instead of keeping His distance, He chose to walk among us. Embracing emotion in conversation reflects this type of care and connection.
Component 5: Pivot Accordingly
Lastly, we must be willing to adjust our approach based on the person and situation in front of us. We cannot go into conversations with a rigid, unchanging agenda. While truth remains constant, the way we communicate truth should adapt to the context of the conversation.
For instance, if someone is hurting, it may not be the right moment to deliver sharp truth. Conversely, if someone is in a joyful moment, it might not be the time to share something heavy. Navigating these nuances cannot be done with a set roadmap; it requires being led by the Holy Spirit. Thankfully, since the veil of the temple was torn in two, we have unlimited access to Him to ask these questions.
Conclusion
Developing empathy requires a significant measure of humility. It involves recognizing that you do not know everything. While rejecting stereotypes, expressing vulnerability, asking meaningful questions, listening attentively, and pivoting accordingly may feel laborious at first, remember that Jesus embodies all these qualities for us. With His Spirit living in us, we are fully capable of slowing down to truly understand the person in front of us.
